I come across as a really bad friend.
I will dodge messages from you. I will avoid catching up with you face-to-face. I will cancel on you last-minute and I will often disappear for days on end.
I promise these actions aren’t intentional. I don’t want to be a bad friend, and in my mind, I’m not.
I will dodge messages from you, because sometimes the energy that goes into replying, even if it’s just a “hey,what’s been happening?” is overwhelming, and I’ve already put so much effort into just staying upright for the day.
I will avoid catching up with you face-to-face, because I find social interactions stressful. My head whirls and my heart constantly beats with a quicker tempo because I’m rehearsing and over-thinking what I’m about to say next and how to order my meal and whether I’m walking properly and why that person looked at me strangely and how much I should be getting done and…
I will cancel on you last-minute because I hadn’t anticipated how many spoons I would need for the day, and I’ve already used them up.
I will often disappear for days on end, because I’ve got shit to do. And while that’s normally no excuse for not hearing from someone, I’m damn tired. I’ve had extra hours at work, or I’ve had extra social outings, or I’m simply having a generally exhausting week.
None of these actions mean I don’t care. None of these actions should make me a bad friend.
Even when you don’t hear from me, I’m still around and I still love and care about you. Even when I seem unreachable, I’m very much still your friend – I’m just having a tough time. And that’s okay. My anxiety pops up at unexpected and inconvenient times, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. So please don’t take it personally.
So hands up, shitty friends. This post is for you. You’re doing the best you can and that is bloody awesome.
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